Secret messages: questions to ask yourself

Discovering messages can bring up many questions at once: what happened, for how long, why it was hidden and what to do about the relationship now. You do not necessarily have to decide whether to stay in the relationship at the very moment you find out.

To begin with, you can separate three things: the facts you know, your assumptions and what you feel. This is not an attempt to minimise your experience. It is a way to understand exactly what needs discussing.

What has been broken for you?

Different couples may have different agreements about intimacy, flirting and contact with other people. Consider what specifically made your situation painful:

• The content of the messages?
• The fact that they were hidden?
• The breaking of a specific agreement?
• Your partner’s response after you found out?

This list does not tell you what you “should” feel. It helps you name your own question, beyond the broad statement “I do not trust you anymore”.

What do you want to understand in the conversation?

You can write down a few questions beforehand: “How do you define that relationship?”, “How do you understand our agreement?”, “What are you willing to discuss with me now?” You do not have to ask everything at once.

Also try to express what you need: time to decide, an explanation of what happened, a discussion about boundaries or the option to end the conversation and come back to it later.

Trust and the decision to stay are different questions

You may want to preserve the relationship without feeling trust yet. You may accept your partner’s explanation and still not want to continue the relationship. These decisions do not have to arrive at the same time.

The Gottman Institute’s article on trust connects it with how partners respond to each other in everyday interactions. One conversation may not be enough to understand whether both people are ready for change.

What to look at next

If you decide to stay in contact, discuss which concrete actions will mean that new agreements are being honoured for each of you. Both people need to understand what those agreements mean. Secretly checking devices or endlessly searching for evidence does not replace this conversation.

There is no answer to “Can I forgive?” that everyone must follow. Your boundaries, circumstances and both people’s willingness to participate in the relationship all matter.

This is an original editorial article on the episode’s topic, rather than a transcript or quotations from its participants.